Three years ago today, my mom was tragically killed in an accident with eight of her close friends. 21 people went to visit the opening of a Japanese Garden in Chicago, and on the way home, their little bus was hit from behind by a truck driver who either fell asleep or got distracted and did not stop fast enough at a toll booth. Eight of the 21 passengers were killed on impact, and it just so happens that they were all good friends.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't want to call her or hug her or see her. Once in a while, I hear her favorite song... :"It's a Wonderful World" and I still cry. Landmark events happen in my life and I  want to tell her. I miss her and her wisdom and her love.

I'm not the only one who loved my mom. She was an unbelievably smart woman, with a PhD, who at 75, was more active than most people are in their 20's. She owned her own consulting firm. She traveled around the world. She treasured life and people and music. She was a kind and wonderful soul, and when she died, 300 people came to her memorial and I am not exaggerating when I say that each one came to me and spoke about how she had somehow blessed their life.

I remember thinking at the time how anyone who thinks they don't make a difference in someone's life is so wrong. And sometimes a kind word, a good deed, a friendly ear, can mean the world to someone and you may never even know it. I could only pray to touch as many people in a positive way as my mother did.

So last week, after three years, the truck driver who caused the accident was indicted on eight counts of murder.  Some reporter called me and asked me if I was glad that he was indicted and if I was hoping justice would be served. What kind of sentence would I like to see for him? Life? Death? Life in Prison?  The reporter was anxious to find out. What would my victim impact statement be like?

I honestly told him that I had forgiven this man a while back. I can't imagine anything worse than living your life knowing your actions killed eight women. Nothing we could do to this man could be more horrible than his own nightmares for life, I would think. And nothing we could do would bring any of the eight people back. I know some people don't understand this, I told the reporter, but I have let go. He did not, after all, take out a gun and shoot them. He did not premeditate this. And though he robbed me and eight other families of people we loved dearly, I don't have any desire to seek vengeance.  I know that some people can't and don't understand, but God has helped me to forgive.

I could sense his unbelief on the other side of the phone. There was a dead silence for a few minutes. He thanked me for my time and told me when his article would be published in the Chicago Tribune.

So the next week, I read his article. He quoted a few people who were still very angry. He quoted people who want all of the deaths avenged. He never even mentioned me. I guess forgiveness and God don't sell newspapers.

Either way, my son, who is now 8, still blows kisses to the sky to his Grandma Sonia. And tonight, in celebration of her life, and in remembrance of my beautiful mother, I will also blow kisses to the sky. I know you're having a great time mom. I love you and I always will.

Because I'm a real estate agent now, most people forget or don't know that I am, and have been a Labor and Delivery Nurse for many years. I do it on a part time basis, mostly a weekend here or there. I do it partly because in this day and age no one can be certain of the future, and the more skills you maintain the better off you are. The truth is though, that I do it mostly  because it keeps me humble.

No matter what kind of day I've had, or how stressful life seems to be, the miracle of birth after all of these years, can still make me cry. If the mom cries, I definitely tear up, and if the dad cries, I lose it for sure. It's pretty funny, really, sometimes in one of my delivery rooms, all of us will be crying and hugging while the doctor waits for me to get him something.....

I don't really know how anyone can see a birth, or experience the birth of a child and not believe in God. Pregnancy itself is so amazing, but to watch a birth is to witness a miracle. And when you hold a new life in your hands in its first few minutes of breathing and looking around.... wow.

Of course, you have to get past the blood and guts and gore of it all. The placenta is not so pretty either. The pain of childbirth most women will tell you, is the worst possible pain they've experienced. But the result ....  it can leave you breathless. 

And so I think it is with my life. Sometimes I'm so in the midst of the pain, and the blood and the guts of it all that I lose myself in it. I forget that through all of that God can still work miracles and leave me breathless at the end with the wonder of what HE does with all that mess.

Childbirth and babies remind me every time I forget. And I stay very humble and very hopeful that way.

The Tooth Fairy

This weekend the tooth fairy made two visits to our house. Two of my kids lost a tooth. This whole tooth fairy thing has changed a lot since I was a kid.

First of all, My son, who is 7 was excited that the tooth fairy came, but pretty disappointed that she only left $2.00. His friend, it seems, had just gotten $5.00. Did the tooth fairy not like him as much?

Wow, I thought to myself $5.00! And before I could stop myself, I heard the words coming out of my mouth: When I was young, I only got 25 cents! My son looked at me like I was an alien. He just rolled his eyes and said, "Mom, that was a long, long time ago..., they had a different tooth fairy then!"

My daughter reacted a little differently. She was so excited she could hardly contain herself. She kept telling all the kids at night to shut up and go to sleep so the tooth fairy could come. In the morning I woke up to her screaming with delight because she got $2.00. She carried the $2.00 like a trophy all day and showed it to anyone who came by the house. She wanted to go to the mall and spend her money. ( She is, after all, my daughter However, she was disappointed because the tooth fairy did not leave her a little letter , because her friend had gotten one  from the tooth fairy just last week.

Feeling like an inadequate tooth fairy, I went online looking for a little guidance. Did you know that there are sites that you can pay money to and order tooth fairy T-Shirts, boxes, letters, certificates,etc? You can pay to have the tooth fairy write your kid a letter. Let's see: I add $10-15 to the $5.00 my son thinks he should get and now I'm up to about $20 per tooth; 4 kids, I'll need financial assistance soon! Losing their teeth could get as expensive as braces!

What's a mother tooth fairy to do? Some of my friends said they don't do the tooth fairy thing, they think it's silly. One of my neighbors told me it's bad to lie to kids. Some people say give them more, some say give them less. There seems to be no consensus. Anyone out there with thoughts on the subject?

One thing I still believe: There is something magical about kids believing in the tooth fairy and Santa Claus. Maybe I'm old fashioned. I wish I still had that innocent belief in magical things.

What the heck, I think I'll raise the price of a tooth to $2.50.... And I guess I could write the letter myself, and save a few bucks....

  My sadness today is overwhelming. I have lost a friend today. We were friends for 34 years. She did not die, she simply decided that our lives had taken different paths, and she could not "relate to " my life any more So she sent me an email telling me that she needed "Separation."

We didn't fight, we didn't argue, nothing major happened. According to her, although we share a "long and loving history", she no longer feels a "connection."

We met when we were freshmen in college. We have gone through all the things that people go through in 34 years. Marriage, her divorce, the death of our mothers, joy, sadness , hope, hopelessness, you name it, we experienced it through laughter and tears.

She lives in St Paul, and I in a small town in Michigan. She remained single after her divorce and lives in a great new condo and travels and has a fun single life. I am married with 6 children and 3 foster kids at the moment, which totals 9. I guess I must be like the old lady who lived in a shoe to her...

We talked frequently on the phone, and sometimes she came here and sometimes I went there, but we saw each other once or twice a year.

She had several "affairs"  with married men in the last two years, which I did not "relate to", but I loved her and prayed for her, and at no time did I make her feel like our friendship was on the line. I sort of told her like I tell my kids: I don't like the action, but I LOVE YOU.

In the last two years, my husband owned a business which had serious problems. His partners embezzled money and he and I lost our shirts just to pay our employees. We had no income from him for a long time while he closed the business, dealt with attorneys, looked for another job , etc. She thought I should leave him. Obviously I thought I should not. My vows said for richer and for poorer....

And so, I am reeling from her e-mail. I e-mailed her back, and asked her how she could let a relationship of 34 years go without talking about it, without trying to work through it, etc. She e-mailed me back that she may feel differently in the future, but as of right now she needs to "separate."

I feel so hurt and so betrayed, in a sense. I feel as if someone died, or like I felt when a man I was engaged to broke up with me for no reason. I feel sick inside. I look at pictures of us through our 34 years and wonder if it all meant anything... Wonder what to do with my emotions. This was one friendship I never questioned. Now I question the whole thing.

How does someone just shut off? That is so not my personality that I can't even fathom it.

I have to think about all this... Has anything like this ever happened to you?

                                                           BACK TO SCHOOL THOUGHTS

As the summer draws to an end, I always find myself in a weird and contradictory state of mind. I don't want the summer to end, but I love the idea of fall coming. I don't want the kids to grow up too fast, but I love the idea of them going back to school full time

Mostly, at this time of year, though, I  always seem to go back in my mind to the days when I was going back to school and I relive the cycle of dread and sweet anticipation that came right before September.

I was always excited about new school clothes and shoes and notebooks. Once my parents had bought them for me, I would look at them every day with excitement. I didn't want summer to end, but I was ready for school to begin. I was nervous about what the next year would hold, but excited about the possibilities at the same time. I wanted to see some of my friends, but didn't want to see others. I wanted to start some of my classes, but was nervous about Algebra.

Sound a little schizophrenic???

And yet, I know that's what my kids are feeling too. From my youngest going into second grade to my oldest going into junior year at Ferris, they are all feeling the same thing. They can't wait to get the stuff they need for school, but they don't want summer to be over. They don't want to go back to school, but they can't wait for their schedules to come out to see what classes they have and to call their friends and compare. They want to buy winter coats, and come home and get into their swimsuits.

I can't help but get a little philosophical about it all. 

 I can't help but miss some of the dread/anticipation of school.

I can't help but laugh when the kids say I don't understand them.

I have a Masters,and no time to add school to my life right now,  but I almost wish I could anticipate going back to school. Maybe I'll just go out and get myself some new shoes and a backpack....